I have been counseling couples for 35 years. Quite often individuals come in for help wondering if it is really possible to save or improve their relationship. Perhaps their partner is totally uninterested in working on the relationship. Perhaps their partner is an alcoholic or drug addict. What are their chances of saving their relationship?
Since two people always get together at their common level of woundedness, here is what I say to the partner who has sought my help: “As long as you choose to remain in this relationship, there are things for you to learn. Each partner contributes their 100% to the relationship. While it is often easy to see what your partner is doing that is harmful to the relationship, it is often difficult to see what you are doing. Yet until you learn about your part in this relationship system, you will take your own dysfunctional behavior with you into another relationship. It’s generally a waste of time - unless there is physical abuse - to leave a relationship before healing your own end of the system. The time to leave is when you have learned to make yourself happy regardless of what your mate is doing. When you learn to take 100% responsibility for your own feelings and needs, and if your partner is still behaving in ways that are unacceptable to you, then it’s time to leave. You need to discover how to respond to your partner in ways that are loving to yourself and that support your own joy and highest good.”
When the partner who is available to counseling does his or her inner work, one of two things happen. Either the other partner likes what is happening and becomes more open, or the relationship becomes more distant and difficult. I tell my clients that it is a 50-50 deal - half the time things get better and half the time they get worse. They need to be okay with either outcome. If fact, I encourage them to let go of the outcome and just be in the process of learning how to take loving care of themselves.
Let’s take some examples. Craig is unhappy in his marriage because his wife, Gloria, is often angry and judgmental toward him. Craig sees himself as the victim of Gloria’s unloving behavior, blaming her for his unhappiness. However, Craig is a equal part of the relationship system. He generally reacts to Gloria’s anger with compliance, giving himself up in his covert attempt to control Gloria’s anger. He believes that being a “nice guy” will control her feelings and behavior. So, while Gloria is attempting to overtly control Craig, Craig is attempting to covertly control Gloria. Until Craig starts to speak his truth rather than give himself up as his form of control, he will feel resentful and distant with Gloria. If he has the courage to take loving care of himself by speaking his total truth without blame or judgment, and take loving action for himself based on his truth, then either things will get better or they will get worse. The only way Craig will be able to be honest and take care of himself is if he is willing to lose Gloria rather than continue to lose himself.
Marilyn is married to Martin, a non-abusive functioning alcoholic. The problem for Marilyn is that when Martin drinks, which is every night, he completely disconnects from her and she feel very lonely with him. She’s tried in many ways to get Martin to connect to her, but nothing has worked. Most nights, Marilyn just watches TV, feeling sad and alone.
Until Marilyn decides to do whatever she needs to do to make herself happy, nothing will change. If she decides to take classes, get together with friends, join a support group or go to Alanon, she will no longer be a victim of Martin’s decision to withdraw through alcohol. If Marilyn continues to take care of herself over a time - six months to a year - and nothing changes, then she can decide to leave. Or, she can decide to stay and just continue making herself happy. The possibility also exist that when Marilyn stops pulling on Martin to make her happy, he may decide to deal with himself rather than be left alone most of the time.
Can this relationship be helped? Maybe. Do your own inner work and find out!Tags: counseling, counselors, family, marriage counseling, marriage counselor, personal coach, relationships
- Tag Cloud relationships love dating relationship romance marriage online dating seduction foreign brides Friends single parents friendship relationship advice flirt sex sexuality self help Communication relationship help infidelity heart divorce singles happiness woman help abuse self improvement advice lost love marriage counseling Women esteem self confidence jealous beauty ugly family dating advice save your marriage coaching break-up date love advice romantic success flowers partner partners issues society counselors thoughts giving inspiration motivation breaking up gift conversation love letters UK Adult adult toys sexy lingerie cheating adultery counseling gifts matchmaking service stop your divorce personals Trust control self-esteem life love relationship advice marriage intensity affair boyfriend tips adult dating events couples time online social skills intimacy attraction christian roommates living Hypnosis hypnotherapy hypnotism self hypnosis sharing making conversation energy cupid infidelity investigation romantic relationships wedding anniversary unhealthy relationship relationship goals healthy relations psychology separation weddings wedding planners secrets of love lover sex toys relationshops vibrators Vibration-Station Vibrator strap on strap ons dildo dildos sexy finger masturbation masturbation lingerie knickers sexy knickers sexy outfits sex shop marrige attracting love marrige problems relationship problems best freind friends reunited finding friends school friends friendship day friendship quote local local sex fling local girls local fun local excitement online sex cyber sex cyber dating egg companion social bond best friend class status marriage counselor personal coach men's gift gift's for the man who has everything christening invitations bridal shower invitations Wedding Invitations st valentines day valentines day st valentines truth telling the truth being honest christian dating christian relationship christian singles personal service singles singles looking service singles looking dating matchmaking relations dating tips relationshis seduce woman dealing with break up how to get over break up surviving a break up Have a life satisfactions business thought candles candle arts crafts hobbies love match matchmakers gift basket ideas gift baskets for men gifts for men man gift basket benefit of the doubt life lessons positive intentions special events Right Lover Date Ideas healing emotional destruction freedom hapiness quality relationship loving actions personal growth anxiety emotional affair extra-marital affair mistakes disasters improve save girlfriend mistake single dating love relationship relationship problem phone number old phone number find a phone number ecards onKeyDown=textCounter(this.form.f_artkey this.form.avachars_key 200); love letter love tips love life social networks groups individuals polls creative stories chat games magazines inuyasha naruto pokemon digimon harry potter anime manga yugioh final fantasy kingdom hearts goal visualization fear of commitment compatibility horoscope zodiac star signs astrology aries taurus libra leo capricorn scorpio sagittarius gemini virgo cancer aquarius pisces lover's triangle marital contributions Penpals penpals resources e-pal penpals guides penpals site reviews too busy for relationships social life scheduling time love letter romance touch relationship gift tips romantic special occasion birthday treat compliment dance hate emotion budget send flowers online online flowers deliver flowers save marriage save relationship married speed dating Meet Local Single single dating online date online people bonding lonely making friends shy focus mate law Stress multicultural cheating spouse emotional infidelity signs of infidelity dating site interracial quiet time depression spouse wife husband internet children god internet dating conversational skills vibrations vibes family relationships attention soulmate job fear wedding invite body language codependent relationships nature abundance belief meeting breakups affairs cheat ending relationships breakup Survey: Gap Exists Between Hope Opportunity for Teens online flower shopping flower sale fresh flower sales online buy flowers online online florists. coercion violence domestic acceptance risk demoralize salsa dance troubled teens teen trouble youth gangs youth gang problem teen violence street gangs mentoring gang membership troubled teen advice bullying bullying advice teenager self-esteem teenager trouble teenager self-confidence shy teenager interracial marriages mixed raced gay marriages fear of intimacy selflove dream mission enthusiasm priority professional home myspace Friendster teens kids parents Fathers day Father's day gift Gift for dad Father's day idea father's day quote mid life relationship mid life growing older conversations improving conversation skills small talk signs of cheating marriage problems private investigations cheating girlfriend cheating boyfriend problems in marriage clear accountable show body language signals first impressions making a good impression making new friends make more friends overcome shyness mixed interracial relationships Eurasian interracial couples dating community online greeting cards couple caring Father Send father Send gifts to Pakistan power struggles friend into lover turn friend to lover how to turn friend in to lover friend turned lover fear of being intimate surviving infidelity sign of wife infidelity coping with infidelity infidelity in relationship ways to catch a cheater date online free online dating online dating services free online dating services eye contact making eye contact avoiding eye contact secrets of making friends wedding planning wedding help Social Matters Relate pheromones perfumes pheromone perfumes attract men me Romantic Frugal Vacations communication skills effective communication lds dating lds dating site lds dating services lds dating idea online dating and lds lds single dating lds dating service dating lds online service dating lds site web free lds dating dating free lds site latter day saint single lds single online lds singl long term relationship advice fulfilling relationship relationship secrets secrets to a great relationship love spells wiccan love spells spells paid love upscale escorts high class international escorts courtesans hectic lifestyle indian dating international dating sky clouds mountains sun break ups flower delivery Valentines Birthdays Christmas personality color test trust building activities organizational trust interpersonal trust internet affairs silence man std testing herpes treatment holistic health health wellness sexual health peace heaven blessings "I" message good communication communication technique exotic lingerie sexy thong thongs bracelet jewelry jewellery work In Indien werden verschiedene exotische Ritualen vollstreckt die uns Europ laut und besonders bunt gefeiert! charm bracelets person search emotional problems dating service cards moving moving out missing abducted abused abusive child teen mother Der Mythos der Blitz Hochzeiten in Las Vegas ist nicht etwa eine Legende sonder die wahre Wirklichkeit. Immer wieder h um sich in dieser Oase der Gl der Hochzeiten und Am eros storge philia agape unconditional love erotic love sexual attraction Does your Husband get an Easter Basket? personal empowerment Valentine Day.Mother Day Internationai-internet-dating Keywest romantic memories dating woman dating sites dating website websites Ich habe letztens den Film "24 Dresses" gesehen wo eine Frau schon 24 Mal als Brautjungfer eingeladne wurde und bei jeder Hochzeit ein andere Kleid anziehen musste. Ich musste ein bisschen an mich denken wobei die Tradition der Brautjungfer hier in Deutschland nicht so schlimm und anstrengend ist wie in Amerika. Ich war wie also schon auf zahlreiche Hochzeiten und durfte hier und die schon verschieden wie sehr jede Hochzeit ihren eigenen Charme und Sch ohne die Hochzeiten bewerten zu m ein Artikel um vielleicht ein paar Paare Ideen zu geben! sex life erotic fiction erotica sex tip womens erotica sexy stories codependency aloneness let alone love alone love me just leave me alone anniversary ideas love life advice patience stress relief friend networking friend networking site top social networking photos audio digital video relaxation massage massage new jersey Shiatsu pre-natal massage new york massage detoxifying MassageSoup.com talk communicate stress and anxiety coping with anxiety business essays leadership essay leadership research paper leadership term paper sample research paper application essay application letter application letter help application letter writing write application letter
Designed by SEO Online | Bormaley